An Useless Gift
by Eisfuchs
Summary: When his cousin forced him to use his special 'ability' once again, Naruto had never thought he would end up in a fucking skirt with some handsome bastard lusting after his ass… AU, SasuNaru, GenderBender


Here we go. My first SasuNaru. At least with a male Naruto and now I've stuck him in a skirt. Haha.

What else to say… unfortunately I'm a slow updater, so please bear with me^^° This story is probably going to be around five chapters or less. I'm not a native, so there are bound to be mistakes^^° and I haven't got a beta, so yeah…

Some characters might be OOC for example Karin and Ayame. (I don't think I'll ever manage to get Sasuke right, but I made him an asshole, alright :D ) And Naruto will be mostly girly looking, but not character-wise, he's still kicking ass ;) I can't stand a Naruto who's crying and whining all the time. That's just not Naruto (that's Sakura).

So yeah, that's it for now, I think.

Please enjoy,

Eisfuchs

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**An Useless Gift**

* * *

**Author:** Eisfuchs

**Summary: **When his cousin forced him to use his special 'ability' once again, Naruto had never thought he would end up in a fucking skirt with some handsome bastard lusting after his ass… GenderBender, SasuNaru, AU

**Rated: **M (PG-16), for smut and some swearing

**Warnings:** boyxboy, GenderBender, vertically-challenged Naruto, some Sakura-bashing, underage drinking

**Disclaimer: **Naruto © belongs to Kishimoto Masashi

* * *

The knocks were still coming continuously, loudly hammering against his door, and Naruto knew the outsider wouldn't give up easily. He had rammed his study desk and some of his heavier furniture in front of the entrance just to make sure the crazy woman wouldn't get through.

Naruto himself had hid under his blankets deep inside his wardrobe to block out the woman's pleading and threatening. She was using different means depending on her mood; right now she had gone back to begging him. She was well aware of his inability to ignore a girl's tears.

But _dammit_, he didn't want to! He knew exactly what she wanted him to do and he had told her already the last time that this was it. He wouldn't use _it _anymore.

Since then it had been months and she hadn't visited him once. They were related; she could have at least shown some interest in their connection. They had been practically raised together, but no! The girl contacted him only when she had use for his goddamn _gift. _

_A gift? What a joke. You could return a gift._ (1)

"Naruto!" the girl cried and he winced when he heard the anger in her voice.

That was the only thing that so-called gift gave him: A big headache and a mad cousin on his tail. He would give everything to make her just go away; he had better things to do than hide away like some fucking coward. Gaara wouldn't get enough of this if heard that he, the great Uzumaki Naruto, was afraid of a girl like a sissy.

There was a loud bang and Naruto froze in fear, hiding even further in the depths of his closet. Who was he kidding? There was no way stopping the bitch in heat when she found a new target. Coward or not, he didn't give a damn.

Something went broken with a loud crash and he started to whimper. He was sure that had been the vase his mother demanded stayed in his room even though he loathed the ugly thing. Slightly smiling, he mused if this could be considered as something beneficial despite the hopeless situation.

"Naruto", echoed the voice of the female inside his room. He cursed upon the indication that she had somehow fought her way through his barricade of furniture. It was unfathomable to him how she could have been able to break through. That girl had to be some kind of monster.

It wouldn't even surprise him; his mother was the same. It had to be something with the genes, never mind that his cousin belonged to his father's side of the family, but what did such unimportant facts matter.

The quiet steps he could hear from inside his room made him freeze; the woman really did make it through. If he was lucky she would get the impression he had left through the window; it wouldn't be the first time. He used to do it before when she had looked for him and his _gift_, but somehow he must have become predictable - the thought alone was really embarrassing and sad and _embarrassing_ - because she had started to wait for him under the tree outside his window.

So, Naruto had tried a new strategy: pretending to flee from his room while he hid inside his wardrobe. _Ha, take that!_ Okay, it wasn't really that imaginative, but he was desperate, honestly. With each time, she haunted him down she got more crazy ideas to achieve her goal and he was sick of being her tool.

It didn't help that his mother thought he should do his cousin that little favour, because the _poor _girl didn't want any bad, she just wanted to find her true love and he had the ability to help her. Women and their desire for an easily happily ever after; they were a pain.

They should learn to understand that love wasn't a present, but something to be earned.

"Naruto", she said quietly and he could almost imagine her frowning and looking around his small bedroom. First, she would regard the orange bed sheets with disgust before smiling at the little fox plushie in amusement. She could laugh all she wanted; he didn't give a damn. He had the stinky fuzzball since he was born and he planned to keep it that way; _thank you very much_.

There was some shuffling around in his room, where he didn't even dare to breath. He was sure she could hear his heart beat in this unbearable silence and hoped she would get the idea and search elsewhere, preferably a place where he wasn't, like _ever._

"Naruto", her voice took on a threatening tone and he froze in fear upon her next words. "I know you're hiding in your wardrobe, idiot. Your ridiculous ducky blanket is peeking out."

_Fucking son of a-_, he cursed inside his head, but didn't make any move to leave his fortress. He wouldn't yield; his dear cousin had to learn that life didn't revolve around her alone, end of story. And she could do nothing to make him think otherwise.

"You know, Naruto", there was a quiet creak, alerting him that the she-devil had sat down on his bed. "There would be someone really sad if you didn't help poor me."

He frowned in confusion. Beside his motormouth mother, there was no one giving a flying fuck about his way of dealing with his cousin. The girl must have had some loose screws somewhere up there.

"You know, I'm not below taking hostages." Those words were followed by another creak of his bed.

In his ears her voice sounded sickly sweet.

"I've thought so for a while, but foxes aren't supposed to have that many tails, are they?" She asked and Naruto startled, the first time moving in his little hideout since his cousin had arrived. The _bitch_ had already made clear she knew where he was, so there was no need for further pretence. But, _by god_, she better was not planning on what he thought she was planning.

His hopes were crushed by her following words.

"Kurama-_kun_ must feel discriminated," she drawled and Naruto heard how she opened one of his bedside drawers, taking something out of it. "Better let's make him an _Ichibi_, shall we?"

There was the grinding sound of metal against metal and Naruto jumped out of his wardrobe without a further thought, stumbling stupidly over his blanket in the process. With a loud bang his face kissed the floor painfully and he cursed his own clumsiness.

He groaned and before he got a grip of why, exactly, he had left the safety of his closet, a pair of naked feet with purple painted nails appeared in front of his face. Blinking once at the limbs, blue eyes travelled up long lily-coloured legs, slim hips covered by denim Capri pants, followed by a white baby doll top hugging the slim figure of his cousin. She had her arms crossed over her small bust, in one hand a pair of scissors and the other one Kurama, Naruto's favourite fuzzball.

Naruto sighed in relief upon the sight of nine intact tails.

His gaze rose further over the curve of a graceful neck. Her bright blonde vanilla hair was twisted into a stylish bun at the side of her head, a few strands escaping here and there. Her decent make-up accentuated her piercing cyan eyes while she looked down upon his slumped form.

A superior smile found its way on Ino's rosy lips.

"Hi there, my dear cousin."

Naruto could only groan at the outlook of girl-problems and suffering and pain and _lots of _embarrassment.

'_Please, somebody just shoot me.'_

* * *

**Chapter One**

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He knew he had an ugly glare on his face and that the poor girl in front of him probably had that constipated look, because of him. He didn't give a damn however. He had been forced to go on that stupid group date and he didn't care at all about making those girls feel at ease. If he had to go to hell, he would take everyone down with him.

An elbow slammed into his side, making him grunt in pain. Releasing the pitiful girl from his deathglare, he instead focused it on his supposed to be best friend, who was at fault for this whole fiasco to begin with. The bleached blond had his eyes narrowed at him and was obviously trying to tell him to play nice.

Uchiha Sasuke only stared back.

Eventually, Suigetsu had to turn away from him, because he wasn't immune to his glare either, an angry pout on his lips. That didn't leave Sasuke with any other option, but to stare at the girl on the other side of the table, again. She visibly tensed, being confronted by his cold features once more. The Uchiha could almost feel her tearing up, but he was way too angry to feel guilty over his attitude.

He couldn't even remember how he had ended up in this situation. As far as he had known Suigetsu had wanted to form a study group, because of the upcoming exams. Sasuke couldn't believe he had been as stupid to think that out of all people Suigetsu had wanted to study. The idiot didn't study, _ever_. That was the reason why his grades were that abysmal.

The girl flinched when his glare intensified.

They were eight people in total. On the guys side they were five, including Houzuki Suigetsu, the one who had initiated the group date, Aburame Shino, a guy Sasuke only knew from some of his advanced classes, Sai, a creep, Juugo, another friend of Sasuke's and Sasuke himself. They were all students from _Konoha's Academy of the Gifted_, an all-boys school.

On the girl's side were currently a pink-haired bimbo, a red-haired bimbo and a stuttering mess. Apparently, the red-haired bimbo had been the initiating part on the girls' side and they were still missing another two harpies. The short awkward conversation they had had ten minutes prior had informed them, that those three were from _Saint Konoha_, their sister school, while the two missing went to a public school, Sasuke hadn't had made the effort to remember the name of.

The three in front were already enough to bear, so Sasuke already dreaded when the other two would arrive. He couldn't stand girls. He couldn't stand guys either, but at least those didn't want to get into his pants. Considering the lusting stares the two bimbos were sending him, he was just short of walking out of this café and never set foot in it again.

At least the stuttering mess was tolerable. That had also been the reason he had sat opposite of her. When they had all been introduced to each other, she had looked like a pushover, so she probably wouldn't dare talk to him in the near future. Sasuke couldn't imagine her talking to anyone, by the desperate way she was looking around. Perhaps, she wanted to be there just as much as he did.

She wasn't necessarily bad to look at. Her delicate face was framed by luscious black hair, some shades lighter than his own black strands, that almost reached her womanly hips. They had a similar pale complexion and she was really small, fragile. Sasuke could imagine that many guys liked her type of woman, a _Yamato Nadeshiko, _the personification of Japanese pure, feminine beauty.

But Sasuke wasn't just anyone. He was an Uchiha and Uchiha always went for something special. His future partner would also be someone exceptional.

That is to say, exceptional didn't mean pink-colored hair in this context, even though he had never seen a girl with such a gaudy hair color before. He could feel his retinas burning away every time he as much as looked at the bimbo's hair. Regarding the other bimbo, he couldn't tell if her flaming red hair was natural or bleached. The pair really was noticeable surrounded by only dark-haired people.

"Ano, Sasuke-kun."

His glare transferred from the stuttering mess to the pink-haired bimbo and he had to suppress the urge to smirk when she flinched. To his disappointment she caught herself rather quickly and started to play with a strand of her hair. Her emerald green eyes were lowered seductively as she tried to wiggle some personal information out of him for the fifth time.

Sasuke leaned back in his seat, away from the bimbo, and only stared at her.

The atmosphere grew awkward around them, effectively killing every conversation Suigetsu and the red-haired bimbo had tried to come up with. Beside him Suigetsu growled and Sasuke couldn't blame him for it, the Uchiha did his best to prevent his peers to get any enjoyment out of that meeting. Sasuke would do anything to make that group date the worst group date of the century, so Suigetsu would remember to never ever trick him into one again.

"Oi, Karin," Suigetsu hollered suddenly, catching Sasuke's attention and reminding him of the red-haired bimbo's name. "When are your friends coming? This group date is kinda weird five on three."

Nevermind, that it wouldn't change Sasuke's behavior whether they were there or not. Quite the opposite, it would probably turn worse, because then he would have to deal with two bimbos, a stuttering mess and two idiots to boot. Just what he needed.

The red-haired bimbo, Karin, propped her hand on her chin and switched her brown red-tinted eyes from Sasuke to Suigetsu. "Don't know. We were supposed to meet at Hinata's 45 minutes ago. Ino sent a message, that they would be late," she said and shrugged.

Sasuke hated tardy people.

They were interrupted when their waitress appeared at their table and asked if they wanted to order, because some of them had already finished their drinks. The stuttering mess pathetically managed to order another tea and the pink bimbo decided for another sugary brew such as the one she had before. Suigetsu tried to order some alcoholic beverage, but the waitress informed him rudely that he should get rid of his diapers and then he might be allowed something spiked. Then she left.

Taken by surprise, Sasuke only was able to glare daggers at her disappearing back. He hated group dates. And he hated this café. Most of all he hated women. This was turning out to be the worst day of the week, if not even of the month.

The small bell over the entrance jingled.

He couldn't see the latest guests, because the boys were sitting with the back to the door, but there was one clear feminine voice to hear and another husky voice, which must have belonged to a boy. They were arguing heatedly and coming over in their direction. When the red bimbo furrowed her eyes in confusion, Sasuke got curious.

The pair soon reached their table, startling Sasuke when it was two girls instead of the couple he had expected. Both were blond, but while one had pale vanilla hair, pulled to a bun on the side of her head, the other one had what seemed to be golden flax, falling over one shoulder into bottom curls.

"Ino?" Karin asked unsurely and Sasuke saw her glancing from one blonde to the other, but her eyes eventually landed on the blonde with golden hair, who had a nasty glare on her tanned face. Her azure eyes were glowing in wild fury and it nearly sent shivers down his back. Well, there was another one, who didn't like their arrangement.

At first he had thought she was the one called Ino, but was surprised when the one with vanilla hair sat down beside Karin and started to speak in her squeaky voice.

"Do you know what a pain it was to get her into that skirt?" Her hand gestured to the other girl's grey denim miniskirt. Underneath she had a pair of short black leggings that reached just under her knees. "And she just wouldn't put on those cute pumps I've bought the day before yesterday." Ino pointed down to the blonde's feet with a frown. There came a low growl from the golden blonde. "Just look at those eyesores."

As Sasuke followed the blondes caramel colored legs, his eyes fell on flamboyant orange sneakers. Somehow it strangely matched with her peach colored strapless longshirt. Around her slender neck hang loosely a royal blue necktie.

Karin kept staring at the golden blonde in confusion.

"Isn't that Naru-"

"-KO!" Ino interrupted with a shit-eating smile on her face. "Yeah, you're right. That's our lovely cousin Naruko-chan. Isn't she just so cute when's putting some effort into dressing up?"

Naruko growled again and glared furiously at her blonde cousin. "You should consider yourself lucky I even put on that fucking piece of fabric you call clothes." Naruto pointed down to the skirt she was wearing and Sasuke noticed the black fingerless gloves and the silver bangles around her wrists for the first time. "And why the hell are we the only ones running around like sluts?"

Her voice really was deep and husky for a girl, but Sasuke preferred it to the screeching ones of the pink bimbo and Naruko's cousins.

"What?" Ino replied, appalled by Naruko's accusations. "Why is it my fault that those missies appeared in their school uniforms? You didn't really expect me to wear our hideous ones?"

Slowly, but surely Sasuke was getting a headache from the fighting. And they seemed to have forgotten about them completely. The blondes hadn't even given them a glance yet, not that Sasuke was begging for the attention of those girls. At least now the pink bimbo was no longer undressing him with her eyes. Now she couldn't decide on glaring at either Ino or that Naruko girl.

"No, I just wanted to wear some goddamn pants!" Naruko yelled, waving her arms around in agitation.

"You are," Ino deadpanned, looking pointedly at Naruko's leggings.

"That aren't pants, you bitch!" In her anger Naruko's whole face turned a bright red.

"I-I th-th-think you're l-l-looking cute, Naruko-ch-chan," the blubbering mess suddenly peeped up, catching Sasuke off guard. He hadn't thought Hinata would speak up after he had intimidated her so much before. The pretty girl was looking at Naruko with blushing cheeks, a small shy smile on her face.

Sasuke turned back to Naruko, who blinked at the girl. Shaking her head once, she stared some more before smiling in return. "Hinata-chan!"

Apparently completely calmed down, Naruko looked around for a chair and snatched one from the neighboring table, sitting on it right at the head of their own one. To Sasuke's horror she spread her legs widely and positioned her hands right in between them, pushing herself up to get a good view of the stuttering mess. She resembled a ten-year old more than anything else.

"What are ya doing here, Hinata-chan? You're not gonna cheat on Gaara, are ya?" Naruko smirked and wiggled her eyebrows.

Sasuke could see that Sai and also Juugo seemed to be as perplexed as him from their new arrival. Only Suigetsu had a wide grin on his face. _Of course, he would, _Sasuke thought. This Naruko was easily easing the tense atmosphere Sasuke had created with his staring and cold indifference.

"Ano, Naruko-chan, K-Karin-chan a-asked Sakura-san a-and I-I if w-w-we had t-time to c-come a-along." Hinata answered.

Tilting her head, Naruko blinked.

"Sakura-san?" Her beautiful azure eyes then fell on the pink bimbo, squeezed in between Hinata and Karin. "You're Sakura-san?"

Sakura nodded uneasily.

"Wow. You're pretty. You often hang out with those guys?" Naruko sent each one of her cousin a glance, before bestowing Sakura with her attention again. Her blue orbs were sparkling in childish curiosity.

"Sometimes," she admitted and returned the blonde's friendly smile. A small blush had spread over her nose upon the blonde's compliment.

"Poor you. They're both so bossy," she snickered at the expressions on her cousins' faces. They couldn't retaliate, because their waitress appeared again. It felt like half an hour had passed since they had ordered their drinks. A glance at his cellphone told him it had been about ten minutes.

She put the drinks down and then turned to Ino. She scribbled her order down, too. Afterwards she looked at Naruko, who stared back with a big smirk. The waitress haltered in her movements and blinked at the blonde, just like Karin had done before.

"Naru-"

"-KO! That's right. It's Naruko-chan. Why do you people are that surprised that she looks so different?" Ino laughed uneasily and finally Sasuke realized that the blonde was sending them barely noticeable glances. It seemed one of the blondes was conscious of the male side of the table, after all, but deliberately chose to ignore them.

"Naruko…chan?" The waitress drawled.

"Yeah, aren't I just adorable?" Naruko asked in the same dry tone the waitress had used. "What do **you** think, Ayame-chan?"

The waitress blinked, again and then nodded dumbly. "You sure are. Naruko…chan."

There was an awkward pause.

"Beer? As usual?" Ayame asked then.

Beside him, Suigetsu made a strange choking sound, which Sasuke ignored in favor for observing this Naruko-chan and their waitress. After the reactions the blonde had received from her friends, acquaintances, Sasuke thought something wasn't quite right. It made this whole thing more interesting and the blonde wasn't an ugly sight to behold.

"Sure," Naruko winked and the waitress rolled her eyes, before she left the group.

"Why the hell are you getting alcohol?" Suigetsu yelled, pointing accusingly at her. She turned around at his outcry. Crossing her eyes to focus on the foreign appendage on the tip of her nose, she wrinkled her eyebrows in annoyance. Slapping his hand away rather violently, she glared at Suigetsu.

"Who the hell are you, fishface?"

Sasuke nearly snorted. Now, she realized they had company.

"Who the hell are you to get alcohol?" His friend repeated, while smoothing over the skin, where she had slapped him. "You're not legal!"

"Well, go and tell my momma, will ya?" Naruko told him and finally looked at the rest of the guys. Her eyes briefly fell on Juugo and she raised a questioning eyebrow when her eyes landed on the hooded Shino. At Sai's smiling face she recoiled, mumbling something Sasuke wasn't able to hear.

At last her blue eyes caught his black ones and he returned the stare.

She had the most striking blue eyes, a shade he had never seen before. They were framed by long eyelashes, accentuated through the kohl around her eyes. Her lips were small but full under the button nose. Strange whisker-like marks adorned her cheeks.

She really could be called adorable.

Thankfully, she hadn't noticed his staring, because Suigetsu had continued to bother her. Sasuke smirked when she slapped his friend again and told him to stay out of her personal space. That blonde had a lot of spunk.

After some more quarreling between the two, the group slowly calmed down. Their waitress, Ayame, returned shortly after and handed the blondes their drinks. Naruko accepted her glass with a dazzling smile, which was returned by Ayame with a small one and another roll of her eyes.

Naruko took a sip of the beer and turned her whole attention to the group afterwards.

"So, what's the plan?" she asked and leaned back in her seat, one of her arms thrown over the back of the chair. At least she had crossed her legs at her ankles and sat no longer with them wide spread open or Sasuke would have been very disturbed.

After a small silent pause, where no one said anything, she turned to the guys. "And who are you guys? Wouldn't want to have to call you fishface forever, or would I?" Her last words were directed at Suigetsu, accompanied by an amused expression.

Sasuke almost scoffed when Suigetsu blushed slightly and stammered his name for the blonde. His friend managed to rip away his gaze from Naruko and pointed at them each and told her their names. Grunting in acknowledgement, Naruko looked at her cousin.

"So, which one do you have the hots for?"

Everyone froze and Ino turned bright red, whether from anger or embarrassment, Sasuke couldn't tell. He only knew he felt a little out of place. That dumb blonde was way to open in his opinion. The atmosphere was way more awkward than when he had stared everyone else into submission.

Naruko continued. "You don't really wanna tell me, that this shit wasn't your idea? Look at the facts: You've got a five on five, but two of the girls are already in a relationship, whilst I'm out of question, obviously, and Sakura-chan was _asked_ to participate." She rolled her eyes when Ino's ones widened in panic and confusion.

Ignoring her cousin's accusations, Ino stared at Sakura and Karin. When the latter started to fidget in her seat nervously, Ino's confused stare turned into a glare immediately. "What the hell does _she _mean two of you are in a relationship?"

Sasuke's eyes fell back on Naruko, when she started to cackle. There was a smirk on her lips as she stared at her cousins. "Don't you know that Karin finally gave in to Kiba? They've been going steady for five weeks."

At that point of the conversation, they must have forgotten about their company completely, because Ino turned to Karin with an incredulous expression and screeched what should have remained personal, at least in the Uchiha's opinion. "You said you're only fucking buddies!"

Opposite of Sasuke, Hinata almost seemed to faint from embarrassment and Sakura's eyes were wide open in bafflement. He could understand their predicament. Those cousins were really something else. He had never lived through such an _abnormal _meeting; he could no longer bring himself to call it a group date.

"Shut up!" Karin shrieked, her eyes almost bulging out of their sockets, when such intimate information of her was revealed. "Just tell the whole world, will you?"

"Then why didn't you tell me?" There was visible disappointment on Ino's face, while Naruko only snickered silently behind her. It seemed the golden blonde had deliberately given away the red bimbos relationship status as some kind of distraction. Perhaps, her goal wasn't that much different from Sasuke's: to ruin the damn group date. And as far as he could tell, she was doing a good job, too.

"Why did you tell, Narut-argh- _Naruko_?" Furrowing his eyebrows at Ino's slip of tongue, he couldn't help himself to become more interested by the golden blonde. During her cousins exchange Sasuke's eyes again and again were drawn to the girl, who sat at the head of the table and was nipping her beer in satisfaction.

On the other hand, it felt _weird _to see a girl of his age drinking beer.

"I didn't have to tell hi-_her_ – dammit – because _she_ _**knew**_, alright?" Karin answered, sending Naruko angry glances, which were innocently ignored. With a sigh, she looked back at Ino. "I was going to tell you. There just wasn't the right time."

"Well, when would have been the right time? When you're going to walk down the aisle?" Crossing her arms over her chest, Ino turned away from her with a pout, staring right through Suigetsu. His friend had an ugly grimace on his face. He must have realized the group date was going down the drain, again.

Ino huffed. "Traitor."

At last, Karin seemed to snap as well. "Well sorry, but as far as I know, it isn't your business in the first place, with whom I'm going out with."

Whirling around in her seat, Ino scowled at her red-haired cousin. "So, it's alright to tell me who you're fucking, but not if you're going out with someone?"

Karin's narrowed her eyes. "I didn't tell you. You walked in on us, even so I've told you to stay out."

"What? Now, it's my fault? Why didn't you just lock the goddamn door? That's what keys were invented for!" By now, they were right up each other's faces, stabbing each other in the chest with their forefingers. They gave quiet the miserable pair, when one looked at Naruko's glee at their pointless fight. Her brilliant blue eyes were sparkling in mischief.

"Now, now, ladies. No need to fight." Sasuke almost wrinkled his nose at Suigetsu's poor attempt at calming those harpies down.

Instantly, Karin and Ino turned their furious glares on the unsuspecting boy. Suigetsu drew back with a flinch, realizing that he had just offered himself as the harpies sacrifice. Sasuke almost wanted to feel some sympathy, but he wouldn't forget that his friend had dug his own grave when organizing that date. But even Sasuke could confess that the crazed look in the girls' eyes was frightening.

"I'm surprised as ugly as you are you found a guy to begin with."

Immediately the cousins shut up and everybody looked at the source of the insult. Forcing a snort down, Sasuke turned to Sai, who was smiling at Karin innocently. A small glance at Naruko told him the spunky blonde was as startled as her cousins.

Sai continued. "It's not like you have any desirable assets like dickless over there."

It took Sasuke a moment to realize that the guy was looking pointedly at Naruko. The blonde obviously came to the same conclusion only shortly after, because she nearly leaped over the table to reach Sai. It was Ino who held the girl back by the scruff of her neck, but her arms were still stretched out, grasping after the brunette's throat.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING DICKLESS YOU PERVERTED CREEP-FACE!" Naruko shouted and Sasuke nearly flinched from the volume of her voice.

Sai kept smiling. "Don't worry, your ass makes up for that lack completely."

There was another awkward silence at the table. Then, Naruko tried to launch herself at Sai again, who only leaned further back in his seat, smile still in place. Ino had clearly more difficulty holding back her cousin this time.

"I KILL YOU! I FUCKING KILL YOU!" Naruko screeched and finally Sasuke had enough.

"Shut up, dobe," he drawled and glared at the blonde. "You're annoying."

Immediately her glare switched from Sai to Sasuke.

"What did you call me, asshole?" Naruko growled, slamming her hands on the table. Frowning, he watched how some droplets of his drink were spilled by the force. Slowly his dark eyes turned back to the enraged blonde.

"Hn. You heard me," he said, narrowing his eyes at her defiantly. Sasuke couldn't fathom how he could have found her interesting. His first thought had been more than accurate, she was a damn idiot.

Naruko growled. "Why you-"

The rest of what she had wanted to say became a strange gurgling slur, because Ino forced her back onto her seat. Coughing upon the rough manhandling her glare transferred back to her cousin. The poor girl didn't seem to get a break, not that he felt any compassion.

"Oh just shut it, Narut- gah _Naruko,_" Ino told her briskly. Furrowing her eyebrows, Naruko turned away from her cousin with a displeased pout. When her eyes met Sasuke's, her face scrunched up and she blew him a raspberry.

Sasuke could only frown at the childish behavior.

* * *

He wanted to go home, or to Gaara's, _hell_ he would even hide at Kiba's, who was fucking the saner one of his cousins – the image alone was more than disturbing -, if it meant getting away from that _disaster_. How Ino had ever thought that this was a good idea he would never understand. _He was a fucking guy in a skirt on a goddamn group date_.

Not to mention that two of the girls were dating guys that weren't even participating.

As far as he knew that would be called cheating, wouldn't it? _Okay, Hinata was probably bullied into this_, Naruto thought. The girl couldn't even hurt a fly much less her significant other. Not that Gaara would allow someone to come in between them to begin with.

But what Karin was doing here he couldn't comprehend. She was head over heels for Kiba; Naruto knew that for a fact. _Hell_, he had helped the pair after they had toed around each other week after week after week after week. _And god, _had it been annoying.

It had been annoying before, when they had wanted to chop off each other's head, but it had turned ridiculous after they had become attracted to each other. Naruto couldn't even imagine how they had become fuck buddies even though it was so obvious they didn't just want to bang each other. Even his father had seen it and that guy was blind regarding everything love-related. Perhaps, that was the downside of their family's so-called gift. It skipped a generation.

But back to Karin. He had sacrificed sweat, blood and pride to get his cousin and Kiba to be an item and now she was throwing it right back in his face. _Okay_, he might be exaggerating, but he had been Karin's personal love counselor for months and that hadn't been amusing at all. It had been more than just a pain in the ass.

Where he became Ino's tool for love, he was Karin's emotional garbage can. Neither option was rather lucrative, but what he didn't do for his family.

Even if it meant throwing on a skirt, a shoulderless top and getting himself hair extentions. Why he couldn't just get a fucking wig was way beyond him. But in Ino's opinion that wouldn't have been realistic enough and he would have been found out immediately.

Naruto, however, was sure that that _creep_, that weird Sai person, knew he wasn't a gal. All throughout that group date, he had called him '_dickless'_ and no normal person would possibly call a girl 'dickless', would they?

Also, that damn hair was pissing him off. He had already gotten strange looks from that other black-haired asshole, the one with the duck-butt hairdo, - for the life of him he couldn't remember the name – because Naruto always would entangle his arms in the blond locks. What could he say, he wasn't used to hair that reached his ass, _dammit_.

"Naruto, you're scowling, again."

His eyes dilated as his head whirled around to Karin. Carefully he looked around himself if someone had heard his cousin's slip - he didn't need the guys to know that he did indeed had a dick - but they were all preoccupied with something else. His lips formed a small grin when he saw Sakura-_chan_ trying to talk to the duck-butt again.

Naruto pitied the girl; the guy obviously didn't care for her one bit. He didn't even need to use his _gift_ to recognize this.

"Naruto," Karin repeated to get his attention. With a tired sigh he turned back to her.

"What is it?" he grumbled.

She recoiled slightly, affronted by his irritation.

_It was her fault_,_ anyway_, he thought, not one ounce of pity. Both of his cousins were at fault that he was in this mess even though it was Ino, who needed his ability.

Karin caught herself quickly; she was used to his mood swings. "How far are you?" she asked and Naruto knew clearly what she meant.

"Almost through," he answered and explained further when her eyebrow raised in question, digging for more information. "Ino didn't tell me which one, so I was collecting all of them. I got the fishface right at the beginning. Then the creep-face after he groped my ass. Juugo was easy; I was sitting beside him the whole time during karaoke. Bugboy I managed to grab after we left."

"So you're only missing Sasuke-kun?" Karin asked confused, probably by the names Naruto had blessed the guys with.

"If you mean the duck-butt, then yeah," he answered and his eyes easily fell on the mentioned boy. He was still trying to get rid of Sakura. At first he had been sure that this was the guy Ino had set her eyes on. The guy was definitely her type, with the slender muscular body, the broad shoulders and the smoldering gaze. But he wasn't so sure anymore.

Since the group had been at the karaoke-bar, which had been an experience Naruto never ever wanted to relive again_, thank you very much_, she had stuck to fishface. He had already contemplated to _update_ on the guy once again, but by the sight of the pair it sure didn't seem to be necessary.

Naruto would probably do it anyway, however.

"Don't call him that," Karin hissed and Naruto had to blink. Confused, he ignored the pair for the moment and leaned back in his seat to stare at Karin instead. Raising a fine eyebrow when she started to fidget, he waited for her to explain herself.

"Don't give me that face," she pouted and Naruto had no idea just what face she was talking about. His expressions were limited to mostly happy ones. "Everything's just fine with Kiba, alright. But don't you think that Sasuke-kun is some hot eye-candy? Just take a look."

He didn't need to, but he did it to humor the girl.

The Sasuke fellow was still fending, or more like trying to fend off Sakura as much as Naruto could tell. The girl sure was persistent; he had to give that to her.

And if he had been forced he probably would have agreed with his cousin and Sakura. Sasuke wasn't bad to look at. Since their family mostly consisted of light-haired people, the cousins were long rumored to be easier attracted to people with dark colored hair. Naruto knew that Karin and Ino had only dated guys with black hair until Karin had fallen for Kiba. And Ino's interest in fishface was something entirely new.

Carefully Naruto's eyes followed Sasuke's body contours. As far as he could tell, Sasuke was at least a head taller than Naruto himself and was obviously more muscular despite looking rather lean. To his displeasure the blonde was mostly described as cute and boyish, while Sasuke definitely deserved to earn the description of handsome.

He blamed his father for being vertically challenged.

With an irritated grunt, he focused on Sasuke's face.

His features were sharp, but beautiful, easily hiding the bitchy attitude Naruto already got confronted with countless times that day. And Naruto knew if anybody else had those girlish bangs they would be ridiculed, but it just had to work for the bastard. Nevermind the duck-butt cut, he wouldn't start on that one. _It was just so damn unfair. _

Some people just got everything on a fucking silver platter.

"Naruto, you're scowling, again," Karin told him for the nth time.

He bristled and only narrowed his eyes further at the asshole and nearly jumped out of his skin when the bastard suddenly looked right back. There was an amused smirk on that _ugly- _because Naruto had decided the asshole was anything but beautiful and he wouldn't say differently even under torture – face, Naruto wished to plant his fist into.

Then those lips moved, effectively confusing the hell out of Naruto, because there was no way he could hear the asshole from this distance, and the atmosphere suddenly changed. He found the source when Sakura turned to him with a murderous glare. _Go figure_, he thought.

_Of course_, Naruto would become the victim of another crazy bitch in heat. It hadn't taken Naruto long to realize that the girl wasn't the docile little maiden she pretended to be, but another Ino or Karin or _**worse**__ another_ Kushina. God knew his mother topped the list by miles. There was nothing more frightening.

_No_, the problem was Sakura just couldn't materialize her full potential with Karin and Ino and _himself _present. Their family was way to flashy and dominant to give the girl's temper the chance to show itself. _But, oh boy, did he know, _there was some kinda monster hiding under that harmless looking pink hair_. Whoever said pink was the color of innocence was a big fat liar. _

He gulped, hoping to God and Satan and everything in between that he wouldn't have to deal with that woman as well. The blond had already enough with the rabid females of his family, the creep-face and the asshole for the day. He didn't need anything else on his platter, _dammit. _

And somewhere someone must have heard his prayers, because with a humph the girl eventually turned away to sit beside the creep-face.

Thankfully, they had left the karaoke-bar some hours ago and gone to another _normal _bar. If he wouldn't have been given the space he would have surely killed someone for sure. Naruto just wasn't sure which one would have gone down first. With his luck, he would have been the poor bastard himself.

"Goddammit, Naruto. Stop spacing out!" His cousin reminded him once more of her existence.

Pouting, his blue eyes found back to her. "What is it?"

"Sasuke-kun is coming over here," she said and pointed not so discreetly at the nearing asshole.

The scowl returned on his face immediately. "You've gotta be fucking shitting me."

It took Sasuke not nearly long enough to reach the two of them in Naruto's opinion. Meanwhile Karin had turned a disgustingly red and the blond wished a hole would appear and swallow him up, preferably before the asshole could open his mouth. His luck, however, must have been used up for that one wish for Sakura to not bash him up.

Sasuke arrived with no further complications, ignored the free seat beside Karin, unfortunately, and placed his ass right beside Naruto, far to near for the blond to feel comfortable with.

"Hey, Sasuke-kun," the redhead breathed out, eyes fluttering in a way that was meant to be seductively, but made the sickness crawl up Naruto's throat.

Sighing heavily, the blond stood up. "So, it had been really…_ nice_ talking to you_. _But, now, I've gotta go over there and … you know, throw up in my mouth."

Barely catching the widening of Karin's eyes and the spark of surprise in Sasuke's onyx eyes, he squeaked when a hand caught him by the wrist and slammed him back onto his seat. The pain in his ass was sure to be still there when he woke up in the morning.

"Watch it, asshole!" he growled and rubbed his behind gently. That would probably leave a bruise.

"Hn. Just shut up and stay put," Sasuke replied and dismissed his statement entirely.

Naruto froze.

Ignoring the shaking of Karin's head, meant to stay calm, he shot up from his seat, again. "I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING DOG, YOU BASTARD!"

Instantly he was pushed down, again, hitting the same spot on his ass as he had before. Whimpering at the pain, he thought it might be healthier for him to just accept his fate and fulfill his task to get Sasuke's _data._ At least, the asshole was finally touching him, Naruto could feel the heat where Sasuke's thigh pressed against his own. It was oddly embarrassing how conscious he was of the touch.

Blushing bright red, the blond could only hope for the group date to finally be over.

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

X-Men – Wolverine ;p I love that quote.

Well, that's it. ^^ Thank you for reading

Tüdelü,

Eisfuchs


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